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Ask Granny Jane |
Down to earth advice on family relationships and practical grandparenting.
Question and Answers:
Dear Granny Jane: We seem to be in a strange situation and I wish I knew why. My son has been in a relationship for a number of years, and they now have 2
sons.
They visited us almost every week, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the oldest son. They youngest one is now 2 months old and they have never been to visit in 8 months.
There were difficulties last year when they separated, and it tore my son
apart - but they have now reconciled at the birth of their second son, but I worry that this is only because she needs him just now, and he is the golden egg.
My son and his partner built a new house near us, but when the crunch came,
his partner would not move, and the house is now on the market. I only wish I knew if we have done something wrong, and I have asked my son this question, but he says nothing. He does phone now and again, and we
have met them all once, but the atmosphere was very strained.
I do know there is something amiss, and I miss my grandchildren so much. -- Margaret
Answer: What a sad situation for you.
It’s difficult to advise you without knowing a bit more about the circumstances and the personalities involved. I wonder how close your relationship with your son’s partner was previously, when you were all getting on well, and also whether her own mother is around? If her mother is possessive, and perhaps a bit jealous of you, it would be natural for her to respond by seeing less of you.
But the most likely reason for the strained relationship is that she feels guilty about the temporary separation last year. She may feel, rightly or wrongly, that you blame her for making your son unhappy and she is therefore uncomfortable in your company.
Whatever the cause, it sounds as if, in order to achieve a reconciliation, you will have to make most of the running. The usual advice is to bring things into the open, and if you are that sort of person, you could say to your son’s partner something that doesn’t attach blame either to her or to yourself, such as ‘Look, there have clearly been problems between us recently, but let’s put them behind us and start afresh.’ Let her know that you value her and accept her as one of the family. If you find it difficult to do this face to face or on the phone, write her a letter.
If you are non-confrontational by nature, you may prefer a more oblique approach. Show her you want to be friends again by offering to take the children off her hands for a few hours now and then, to give her some time to herself. Make up an excuse to be ‘just passing by’ and ask if you can call in for a cup of tea or coffee. Take her some flowers, a pot plant or a book you think she would enjoy. Let her know you think she’s a good mother to your grandsons (if you do).You may not have much success at first, but keep trying, and let her see that you are determined not to give up.
Dear Granny Jane, I hope you don’t mind a question from a mother. My mum regularly looks after our 2-year-old daughter and now we have a newborn baby my mum looks after our daughter most weekends. Our problem is she seems to have taken over, and acts like our daughter is hers! She constantly undermines our authority, dresses her as she pleases, disciplines her in a way we disapprove of (its quite scary), and constantly criticises our parenting skills and our daughter for all sorts of things (whether its how she speaks or the fact that her toes overlap) and we don’t know how to tackle this problem without causing a major family falling out. Please help! I'm sure we're not the only ones with overbearing parents! Thankyou – Kerstin
Answer: As you say, it’s not unusual for a grandmother to be, let’s say, over-enthusiastic. We tend to look forward so much to the arrival of the first grandchild (I assume your daughter is her first), that we get carried away, and become unduly possessive. But it is not right for grandparents to treat a grandchild as if she were their own, as you say your mother does.
I am worried, too, that your daughter is not spending enough time getting to know her new brother or sister (you don’t say whether the new babe is a boy or girl). There is a risk that, if your mother looks after her a lot, she may feel excluded from your relationship with the baby, and become jealous.
Ideally you should speak plainly but tactfully to your mother, not in a hostile way. Tell her you have firm ideas about how you want to bring up your children, and you would like her to respect those ideas even if they are different from her own. But I know this advice may be difficult to follow, and you may feel it would be hurtful to your mother, or that it may cause too great a rift between you.
Whether you manage to have this difficult talk or not, it would help you all, I feel, if your daughter spent more time with you and the baby and less with your mother. You could simply explain to your mother that you would like your daughter to get to know and love the baby, and that you yourself miss having your daughter around.
One more thing: your mother may be spending too much of her time and energy on your daughter because she has not got enough other things in her life. In other words, she may be rather lonely. If she has a close friend you can confide in, ask the friend to spend some time with your mother, and get her to go out and about more.
Response: Thanks for those words of wisdom, you seem to have hit the nail on the head (my mother is lonely and does not have much human contact outside work). We have already cut down the amount of time our daughter spends with my mother and this has improved the situation, amazing how a bit of time and space can help things. I am yet to talk to my mother honestly about all of this, I think perhaps I still need a bit more time to calm down and think things through to avoid it getting messy – K
Dear Granny Jane, Please could you advise on my situation with my mother-in-law. I have two small children of 2 & 6 months and we live three hours from my in-laws. We see them fairly regularly & she is great with the children. The problem is that she appears completely uninterested in me. This has gone on a long time but I have had enough and need to confront it.
I understand her passion for her grandchildren but feel completely disrespected as their hard-working mother. I worked full time after having my daughter and currently work part time. I love motherhood and am lucky to have a very understanding and supportive mother. However, when I see my mother in law she cannot give me the time of day. She never initiates conversation with me, never asks how I am, how work is, how I am coping etc. I ask her about her life hoping she will return the conversation, but it never happens. It is at the point where I feel perhaps it is intentional. She seems quite a selfish person and I think jealousy definitely plays some part but she is a grown woman.
I do wonder if she feels threatened by me as I am confident, happy, have a good career but why is there no interest? Perhaps it is the way she is as my husband is not asked anything either much! This has got worse for me since the children have come along, I just feel as though I am in the way for her. I can't bear another ten years of this!
I wonder if it stems from her not agreeing with my ways, five weeks after I had my first child she was in tears with my husband stating I was doing everything wrong, was too rushed, couldn't wind the baby properly etc. I was actually in a state for five weeks not being able to breastfeed a starving baby and not having a clue what to do. Fortunately at that time I was able to rise above her emotional immaturity.
Please advise. I am also aware I have my own irritations for her but surely she should make some effort towards her daughter in law? She raised two sons (who never cried & were potty trained at a year! Amazing!) Thankyou - Mummy Elliott
Answer: The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is such a difficult one, and, sadly, there is often coldness or hostility on one side or the other, at the beginning. Initial suspicion and jealousy can be converted into respect and, eventually, friendship, but it may take a long time, so please don’t give up on your m-i-l yet, even though her attitude is so discouraging.
Some mothers find it very difficult to share their son with another woman – they are indeed jealous. In many cases such mothers come, in time, to understand that they and their d-i-l really have the same goal in life: a happy family. They eventually develop respect and affection for each other, but meanwhile, much patience is required. When you have such a busy life it must seem ridiculous to have to make a special effort with her, but, to establish a good relationship, you may have to go much more than half way to meet her.
I wonder if perhaps your m-i-l is a shy woman, and her difficulty in expressing her feelings comes across as coldness? If this is the case, you may need to make a special effort to be relaxed and reassuring with her. If your conversational efforts don’t bear fruit, just smile and sit in companionable silence.
If her attitude towards you stems from her disapproval of your child-care methods, then you and your husband should explain to her gently just what those methods are, and why you have adopted them, making it clear that you expect her to accept them, even if she doesn’t agree with them.
Finally, do talk the problem over with your husband, if you haven’t already done so.
Dear Granny Jane, My husband and I asked my daughter, her husband and the two grandkids if they'd like to join us for brunch at a nature reserve to celebrate my birthday. During a short walk to enjoy the beautiful plants and scenery Sasha, aged 7, whined and squabbled with her 13-year-old brother, who is a tease, but not that bad. Then we proceeded to the restaurant. Sasha had a bit of a battle making up her mind what to order, but settled for apple pie and cream. She fidgeted and whined all the time, wanted to know how big the apple pie would be, and then started to cry when she was told there would only be one slice on her plate. When I told her to stop it she really started to wail. Is this normal behaviour in a seven-year-old? I think she was behaving like a spoilt brat, but as I am terrified of falling out with my daughter, I keep my mouth shut. This has happened on more than one occasion in a restaurant and also when eating at their house. Quite frankly, I dread sitting down at the same table as her – Sonia
Answer: I have seen plenty of whinging seven-year-olds spoiling the fun for everyone else in restaurants and other public places! I expect, like others, your grandchild is rather spoilt, and too often allowed to get away with bad behaviour by her parents.
The sort of behaviour you describe is usually a form of attention-seeking, and the more it has succeeded for her in the past, the more she will persist with it. A policy of completely ignoring the bad behaviour sometimes works, but if course you can’t follow that method if her parents are present, and are reacting to her wails. You are absolutely right not to do anything more than say “no” firmly, just once, if her parents have said nothing. But it is up to them to deal with the problem, not you, and if they fail, well, that’s too bad.
From a longer term point of view, I suggest, if you have time, you and your husband take each of your grandchildren out for treats on their own from time to time. You will probably be surprised how well they behave when their parents are not around, and it will give you a chance to get to know them really well. Also, your granddaughter’s problems may be caused by jealousy of her brother, in which case she will respond well to having your undivided attention for a bit. It will also give you a chance to subtly inculcate some principles about good manners.
Finally, it is always good for families to have a short break from each other!
Dear Granny Jane, When I see your book in the shops my heart breaks. We have two lovely sons of 2 and 5 and two of the most uninterested grandparents. They took weeks, rather than days, to come and see them when they were born, and show no real interest in them beside buying presents. They do this with a complete disregard to our organic/ethical lifestyle, and will often treat them with things I would never dream of buying. Because of this my five-year-old worships them and then is let down every time Grandma snaps at him for being under her feet. He is beginning to get confused (as we have been for many years). We were young and unmarried when we had the eldest, but are now married and happy. We feel our sons are unjustly punished for a mismatch in timing on our part. What can we do to improve our and our children's relationship with them? - Mummy Anon.
Answer: The situation you describe is, as you say, heart-breaking for you. If, as you imply, the problems with your relationship date from before the children were born, perhaps it is time there was some plain speaking. It looks as if the initiative would have to come from you. Keep the tone open and friendly.
If talking about it seems too difficult (I know it can be in some families), don’t wait for them to make a move in your direction, invite them to visit you, and tell them their grandsons always look forward to seeing them. If the response is negative, don’t give up – keep trying. Encourage the children to chat to them on the telephone, or send them pictures they have made. If they see the children more often, their relationship with them will be more easy and natural. Don’t worry if Grandma is sometimes snappy. If impatience is part of her character, the children will not find that difficult to accept. Also, be aware that some grandparents are uneasy with babies and young children, but form close relationships when the children are a bit older.
The giving of inappropriate presents is a common problem and can be very irritating, but bear in mind that, for some people, giving presents is the only way they can express their love. Let the children have a few sweets (after their supper, or whatever) while the grandparents are there, then put them at the back of the cupboard and the children may well forget about them and you can discreetly dispose of them later. The important thing is to keep the channels of communication open – I know this can seem like a thankless task at times, and you may have to go a good deal further than half way, perhaps over a long period, but do persevere. I wish you the best of luck.
Dear Granny Jane, My husband and I are looking after our 20 month old granddaughter this weekend and would like some ideas of things to do to amuse her especially as the weather is so bad making it not as easy to get outside. I would appreciate your help. Thanks, Wendy
Answer: At 20 months your granddaughter will be into everything, so, before I suggest how to amuse her, a word of advice: put out of reach all breakables and anything she might be able to push over such as house plants – also small objects she might hide or lose, specially keys (I speak with feeling on this one!). Make sure such things are out of reach not just when she is standing on the floor, but when standing on a sofa or chair as well.
How to amuse her indoors? Make pastry or biscuit dough together, and give her a lump to squidge and pull about, you roll it out and help her to use cutters to make biscuits.
Sit her on the kitchen floor with a washing-up bowl of warm water and some plastic containers, yoghurt pots, etc. Never mind the mess.
Give her big, stubby crayons and lots of paper to draw on.
Find some lively music on the radio and dance with her.
Read to her as much as you can, sing songs and recite nursery rhymes.
Best value toys for this age, building blocks – we have some wooden ones which our grandsons, aged 7 and 5 still play with a lot; stacking cups; posting shapes; board books.
Whatever the weather, for your own sakes as well as hers, wrap up well and push her out in the buggy for a short blast of fresh air.
Make sure she has a nap even if it’s not part of her normal routine – it is your only chance for a break.
Enjoy her company!
Dear Granny Jane, Sadly my mother-in-law died last week, at the age of 80, after an illness. I am in a quandary as to whether to take my 2 children, her youngest grandchildren, to the funeral. They are 7 and 4 and it will be a lot of travelling for them, and I'm not sure how much they will understand or can be relied on to behave well in church. But they did have a close relationship with her, and perhaps they should be there with the rest of the family to say goodbye. What are your thoughts?
Answer: I am sorry to learn of your mother-in-law's death. Your question is one which inevitably comes up in all families sooner or later, and different families may have different ideas about it. But I feel (and professional counsellors agree on this) that your instinct, that her grandchildren, young though they are, should come to her funeral, is right, although they should not be pressed to attend if they don't want to.
This is presumably the children's first experience of death, and it is an opportunity to learn that an elderly person's death, although sad, is part of a natural process. As you say, it gives them a chance to join in a collective, loving goodbye to their grandmother, and helps them to understand that she has gone for good.
Although young children do grieve when a grandparent dies, they are often surprisingly accepting of it. Don't be surprised if they also show a healthy interest in the process of death - it is natural curiosity, not callousness.
For the other mourners, young children at a funeral can help to cheer things up a bit, as well as putting the whole pattern of life and death in perspective.
Dear Granny Jane, I have a 4-year-old adopted granddaughter and a blood granddaughter who has just turned one. My question is about my adopted granddaughter Bree. How do I keep my mouth shut regarding the way Bree treats her mother? She is only four years old and has a mouth on her and is very rude to her parents. She also has a temper as well. She plays her mother against her father (my son) and she seems to win. Her dad does not let her get away with anything and her mother does. When I hear her treat her mother badly it really upsets me and then my mouth starts, then my son and his wife tell me that I am not the parent. At the back of my mind I know I must do something, I never raised my own sons to be like that. Please advise me, am I a bad grandmother? Thank you, Nancy
Answer: No, of course you are not a bad grandmother! It is clear from your letter that you are fond of Bree and want the best for her.
I am not surprised that it upsets you when she behaves badly to her parents, but what your son and daughter-in-law tell you is true in a way: It is for Bree’s parents, not for you, to decide how to handle her rudeness to them. It sounds from what you say that her father, at least, does understand that her behaviour is sometimes unacceptable, and tries to make this clear to her.If she behaved badly to you, that is different, and it would be right for you to tell her she should not speak to you like that.
I wonder if she is a bit jealous of the attention your younger granddaughter gets? If that is the case, it would help if you give her some special attention, play with her lots, let her know her grandma loves her, and make her feel grown up.
At the age of four, she has probably just started school, or will do so very soon. I hope she may learn at school what behaviour is acceptable and what is not, and act accordingly at home.
Dear Granny Jane, It looks as if I am going to have to go to court to get my rights as a grandparent. I have two grandkids that I don't get to see because of their father. I live on a farm with a lot of animals and the children love being outdoors with me, but their father complains that I let them get too dirty. My question is how do I get something like this started without upsetting my grandchildren. Thanks for any advice, D
Answer: What a sad and difficult situation this is for you. I hope you can sort things out without having the trauma of going to court.
You don't say whether your grandchildren's father is your son or your son-in-law, but either way, reading between the lines of your message, it sounds as if there is a history of 'not getting on' between you. Whatever the original cause of bad feelings, you need to bury the hatchet if you possibly can, for the sake of the children. You may have to go quite a bit more than half way to meet them in this. However hard it is, try and be friendly towards him and his wife, and keep at it, even if they react in a hostile way at first.
I feel it would help if another family member or a close friend could become involved in bringing you together. Your farm sounds a wonderful environment for the children, and perhaps praise for it from a neutral person would help to convince their father. It is also easier for someone else to explain how much the grandparent/grandchild relationship means to both parties.
If all else fails, there is an organization, the Grandparents' Association, which helps grandparents with legal advice about access to their grandchildren. Their website is www.grandparents-association.org.uk. . I wish you the best of luck.
Dear Granny Jane, I have brought your book have found it wonderful. You mention being a long distance grandma and I have taken on board all you have said. But I did notice you mention you have a French speaking grandson, so hoped you could advise me. Our baby is not even born yet, and when he/she is, will learn both English and French. As I only have a small amount of French should I start in earnest to improve? We will visit around 4 times a year and I want to be able to bond with the baby. What tips do you have for me please. -- Mammie Carol
Answer:I think it is a fantastic idea to improve your French so as to communicate better with your grandchild. I did make an effort when my son married his lovely French girl-friend, and a further effort when their first baby was on the way, but I am ashamed to say I did not get very far with it. I used to listen to French language tapes in the car, and for a bit I attended a local French Conversation class, which was fun. Do try and be steadier than I was! The best way to find out what is available near you would probably be to ask at your local library – the sooner you start, the better.
My two bilingual grandsons are now aged 7 and 3. When I stay at their house I usually read their bedtime story, and sometimes they choose a French children’s book. Reading to them in French has helped my language skills, and so has hearing them talk French to their mum and to their French grandparents. Children’s voices and accents seem easier to understand than grown-ups’. Good Luck.
Dear Granny Jane I would like some advice about adopting a granny for my girl. I come from a big ad close family and feel I would like to offer this to my child. I know you have to take so much care but I wonder if you have some suggestions? Thanks.
Answer: There are some organizations that offer to put families with young children in touch with adoptive grandparents, e.g. older
people who do not have grandchildren of their own and would like to offer their time and affection to children without grandparents. It seems like a great idea and probably works well in many cases. However, I have no direct experience of these organizations, and could not recommend one unless I knew it was completely reliable in every way.
You say that you, yourself, come from a big and close family, and I feel you might do better to look within your own family, to an aunt or cousin, perhaps, to give you and your daughter the kind of support you are looking for.
Dear Granny Jane, My son and his girlfriend recently moved house much nearer to me than before. It is lovely having them closer, but they now expect me to be at their beck and call for babysitting duties for their children, 4 and 6, sometimes at very short notice. But actually I still work part-time and have an active social life, and much as I enjoy seeing my grandkids I am starting to feel resentful about the demands they are putting on my time. What do you suggest?
Answer: I think you need to make your position clear to your son and his partner before your resentment builds up and spoils the good relationship you have had until now. As they have only recently moved to your area, it is natural that they turn to you for help with the children - they probably don’t know any local babysitters yet. Next time they ask you, explain that, much as you would like to help out, you have something else arranged for that evening, and offer to find them a local baby-sitter. Perhaps you could also put your busy life on hold for a bit so you can introduce them to some of their new neighbours.
Dear Granny Jane, My daughter is about to have a baby and of course I am overjoyed at the thought of becoming a grandparent, even though I am only 51 and feel this is quite a young age to become a Grandma. However unfortunately the baby’s father has walked out on my daughter and so she will be a single parent, which is not so good. Would be very grateful for any advice you can give me on how to make things easier for my daughter.
Answer: Your daughter’s situation probably means you are going to play a more active part in your grandchild’s life than the average granny. The best advice I can offer you is, give your daughter as much support as she needs, but encourage her to be independent and help her stand on her own two feet. It may take a while to build up her confidence as a single parent, but it is essential for her and your grandson’s future. Luckily, your daughter is not alone. There are quite a few organisations and websites to help single parents with advice, and to put them in touch with each other. One of the best and oldest established is Gingerbread(www.gingerbread.org.uk ). I wish you and your daughter all the luck in the world, and hope the baby will bring you both great joy.
Dear Granny Jane, I am very worried about my 3 year old grandson who still does not seem to talking properly, and is very difficult to understand.
Answer: It is worrying when a grandchild seems not to conform to our expectations of ‘normal’ development. But it is worth remembering that ‘normal’ is a very misleading term, and children develop different skills at different paces. It is not so unusual for a three-year-old to have problems speaking clearly enough for all his words to be understood. Some children at this age are still chattering away saying what sounds like rubbish – a friend of mine used to refer to it as ‘talking scribble.’ However, there are some childhood problems where early diagnosis is important for effective treatment or therapy. It is also possible that your grandson finds talking difficult because he is not hearing as well as he should. You could suggest to his parents that they talk to their GP or health visitor about it. But do be tactful, and if they seem to resent you ‘interfering’ don’t be surprised – just try and see the situation from their point of view. You may also find it useful to look at the website for Afasic – the charity for children with speech and language difficulties: www.afasic.org.uk .
Dear Granny Jane, Call me old-fashioned, but I think children today just don’t get taught good manners in the way we used to when we were young. My grandchildren need constant prompting to say Please and Thank you, their table manners are appalling (the four-year-old still eats with his fingers) and they just don’t seem to have any consideration for the older generation. To make matters worse my daughter-in-law seems oblivious to all this. What can I do to make things better?
Answer: I do agree that standards have slipped a bit since we were growing up. I don’t approve of the change, but I do think it is understandable – families lead such hectic lives, very often both parents are working, and the children are involved in endless out of school activities, there is not much time left over. Some children don’t even sit down at a table to eat. Grandparents can help by being strict when their grandchildren visit them, and by finding the time and patience to teach them to use a knife and fork (it’s not an inborn skill!). When the family are all together, you can also insist on good manners. It gets monotonous always having to prompt children to remember their ‘p’s and q’s’, and their parents may find your persistence irritating, but do keep at it – the results will come eventually.
Dear Granny Jane, I think my grandchildren watch too much television. And it’s all rubbish. Their lives seem to be ruled by the time of their favourite programmes e.g. meal times are delayed while we all wait for Scooby Doo to finish. What do you think?
Life was certainly simpler when there was nothing for them to watch until teatime except ‘Watch with Mother’; the fact that, today, TV is available non-stop does make life difficult. But can you honestly lay your hand on your heart and say you never juggle meal times to suit your own viewing, or sit down to eat in front of the telly? In your own house, you can set the rules, however unpopular it may make you. You may even have to put up with a tantrum, but the grandchildren will soon learn that you mean what you say. And perhaps you can reward good behaviour by sitting down with them (after your meal) to watch something you can all enjoy together.
Dear Granny Jane, I hope you don't mind a question from a mother rather than a grandmother. I am worried about my husband's relationship with his father (a grandfather of four). He lives a long way away, and my husband tries to visit him once a year and telephone him weekly, although he does not always manage the weekly phone call as he works very hard and is away a lot. His father, who is over 80, has recently become very grumpy and spends the entire phone call complaining that he never hears from his son. Naturally, this upsets my husband -- who is then even more unwilling to call him the next time because he knows it will not be a pleasant experience. What do you suggest?
Answer: If your father-in-law is elderly and retired, he may not have much to do except brood about how bored and lonely he is. It is only too easy for him to translate these feelings into resentment, and to feel his son is neglecting him, although, from what you say, nothing could be further from the truth. I think it might cheer him up if you persuaded his grandchildren (by bribery if necessary!) to phone him. I’m sure he wouldn’t be grumpy with them. They could also write him short notes or send him postcards. Or you could pop their drawings in an envelope and send them to him now and then. All this would make him feel closer to you all, and more involved with family life, although at long distance.
Dear Granny Jane, My 21-year-old grandson has just dropped out of his university course for the second time, to work in a record shop. I am desperately worried about his future, although he himself seems very happy. What can I do?
Answer: This must be very disappointing for you. If your grandson has made up his mind to opt out of the education system, you probably have not much chance of persuading him to go back to it. But it’s worth a try. Nowadays, many adults are fearful of alienating their children and grandchildren by speaking out, but I think it is important for him to know what you think. Speak to him alone (there may already be friction between him and his parents on the subject and you don’t want them chipping in). Tell him, in a calm, considered way, that you think he is making a mistake and will regret it later. But only tell him once, then leave the subject alone. It is unlikely you will have any influence, but you will have tried. Don’t worry too much about him – you say he is happy, and at least he is earning his living. The world of work, training and education is much more flexible today than it was when we were young, 21 is very young, and he may develop more positive ambitions in a few years time.
Dear Granny Jane,
I'm not quite a real granny yet - my daughter is four months pregnant, so far all is well. My problem is - what is the baby to call me? I'm 53 years old, I'm a size 10, high-heels-wearing, comfortably off widow who holidays, dances and generally looks and acts disgracefully ten years younger (I don't mean to sound big-headed, but it's true, and probably not just me either). I don't want to be a "Granny", and even my daughter and son-in-law agree, but I have no idea of a suitable alternative. Any suggestions gratefully received! --Janine
Answer: Dear Janine, You sound like the person described in The Good Granny Guide as ‘Glam Gran’! Quite a few grandmothers feel as you do about being labeled as ‘Granny’or‘Grandma’. Often the grandchildren solve the problem by coming up with their own name for their granny – Lally, Minda and Zsa-Zsa are just a few examples. But you’ll have to wait for your grandchild to learn to talk, so meanwhile why not just be known by your first name. But remember, you are giving up the pleasure of hearing people say, incredulously, ‘You can’t possibly be a Granny, you look far too young!’ Whatever you end up with (even ‘Granny’ if you find you can’t escape it), you will be thrilled ejvery time you hear your grandson or granddaughter say it.
Dear Granny Jane, My daughter is experiencing problems potty training her three-and-a-half year old daughter. They have a Chinese nanny who had very different ideas of potty training to those that we might have employed, but I was reluctant to point this out to my daughter. I feel that my grand daughter is now confused. Having a new sibling might make some children revert to wanting nappies, I know, but I feel that my grand daughter should now be fully potty trained. She seems to have "good days" and "bad days". What would you advise? My daughter has tried the usual "gold star charts" and the rewards, but without success.Thank you.
Answer: If your granddaughter is still getting conflicting messages from the nanny and your daughter, that needs sorting out. One or the other should be responsible for potty training, not both, and whichever one it is, the other should follow her rules. In our day when all nappies were the washable type it seemed important to get our children potty trained by 18 months, but with today's disposables it seems parents are leaving it later and later. Many children take their time about it and three and a half is by no means unusual. My advice to your daughter would be to relax and not to put your granddaughter under any pressure. Anxiety on her part will communicate itself to your granddaughter, and if anything make things worse. Let her wear a nappy if she wants, and make sure, if she goes to nursery or playgroup, she takes spare pants and trousers. She will get there in her own good time. |
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